Brandon the RED

The man himself.

This morning Brandon called me at work. The conversation went something like this:

Brandon: Guess what I'm doing right now?

Me: I don't know.

Brandon: I'M WALKING TO WORK!!! (neighbors awaken upon hearing profanities yelled up and down the street)

Me: Why are you walking to work?

Brandon: BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL SETS OF KEYS IN YOUR PURSE!!!!

I will not finish this conversation, because, well, it wasn't pretty. You see, my husband, he is RED. Fiery, blazing, scorching RED. He is a excellent husband and father, but I get my laughs when I make fun of him via blog. Don't worry, he proofreads everything and laughs with me (mainly because he knows it's all true).

When you are with Brandon, you must automatically assume two things.

1) You are wrong.

2) And it's your fault.

I learned this quickly when we got married. Late one night I was fast asleep in our apartment. Suddenly, the lights in the bedroom fly on.

Brandon: WHERE ARE ALL THE PEANUT M&Ms?!!!!!!

Me: (middle of the night confusion) What? (Actually, I knew immediately where they were. I had eaten them all.)

Brandon: YOU ATE THE WHOLE BAG?!!! YOU ARE SO SELFISH!!!!! (lights off, door slams, it ended as quickly as it began)

Yesterday morning at about 7:00 I hear profanities from the kitchen.

Brandon: OH NO!!!!

Me: What?!

Brandon: I accidentally used your toothbrush!!

Me: Oh great!

Brandon: Well if YOU would have taken my toothbrush out of the bag, I wouldn't have used your toothbrush on accident. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Later on last night, I ask for him to mute the TV while we read scriptures.

Brandon: I don't know where the remote control is.

Me: Well, I don't have it.

Brandon: Did I SAY you had it?! Why are you trying to pick a fight?!!!

Me: I'm not, I'm just saying I don't have it, and your tone indicated that I had it.

Brandon: Oh, well you're perfect then.

Me: I never said that.

Brandon: You have NO IDEA how hard you are to live with. (I am not even joking, this is what he says to me.)

And then I laughed until I went to sleep.

Tonight, we were coming home from doing a little Christmas shopping. I was out of mint chocolate chip ice cream and hot fudge. I am a mint chocolate chip snob, and I will only eat Farr's. The conversation went like this:

Me: Will you please stop at Macey's so we can get some more mint chocolate chip and hot fudge?

Brandon: Ugh.

Me: Pleeeeeze? I really want some.

Brandon: Why do you ALWAYS try and push your will against mine?

Me: But I really want some ice cream.

Brandon: This is not about ice cream. This is about will. You always have to go against me.

Needless to say, after much persuading, he did stop. The real question of the night is how do I tell him that he forgot to buy hot fudge?