The Stephens Chronicles: The Caddy

This was not the exact Stephens Cadillac, but this one is very similar, and the same color.

I decided that I'm going to start sharing the stories of my youth. There are just so many good ones that it would be a shame to keep them to myself. The first story I will tell you, I have entitled "The Caddy".


I want to say I was about 15 or 16 when this particular scar on my teenage years occurred. I remember that my parents were in the market for a new vehicle. We always had vans when I was growing up, but by this time we were all growing up and I guess maybe my parents thought it might be time for a smaller car. Cruel, cruel irony. Anyway, I remember they went car shopping one day, and came home and told us about this car they found.

"It's a Cadillac, " they had said.

I thought to myself, wow, a Cadillac. It must be really nice. My uncle had a red Cadillac convertible, and he was a doctor. We must really be moving up in the world.

"It rides like a dream!" my mom had said.

My parents went back to the dealership to bring back our Cadillac. I remember them honking from the driveway when they got home. We all ran out to see it.

Have you ever seen a movie, where someone from Texas pulls up in this gigantic Cadillac with horns on the front, and honks their horn and it plays a little tune?

Well, this was similar, except without the bull horns and without the horn song.

I was horrified. This car was like, 30 yards long and about 12 yards wide. And it had like these fins that came up where the tail lights were.

My parents proudly drove this car until I was out of high school. They would say, "Let's take the Caddy!" As if it were a treat to ride in this. They said it rode like a dream, and it did. A dream where you are in a boat, and you barf, which is what happened to me once after driving too long in the Caddy (mixed in with one too many donuts and Dr. Pepper).

It also had this weird smell. Old people smell.

It had six seats in it. Six large, leather seats. Three in the front, and three in the back.

I hated being seen in it. It was so humiliating. It was like riding in a hearse.

At our senior Prom, Brandon was sick with the flu and couldn't drive. My mom drove us to Prom in THIS car, and dropped us off at the front doors of the Union Station in Salt Lake for the dance.

And what was worse? My parents used to hook the tent trailer up to the back of it and we'd pull the trailer with the Cadillac. The engine in this car was just as big as the car itself. I swear it had about 80 cylinders. When you pressed the gas pedal it would roar like an east wind.

When they sold the Caddy, I remember it sold in about 5 minutes. It's probably being driven around Ogden somewhere, with really little tires lines with very expensive rims, and it probably has hydraulics now too. Ssss, it goes up. Ssss, it goes down.







This tale has been brought to you by Honda, which is what my parents drive now. And we all borrow it because it's so cool.