What to never expect...

I've been thinking lately of all the things that I wish I would have known before I had kids. The book really should be titled "What to Never Expect". I have compiled a list. Let it be known, this list is not only 13 items long. However, it is time for me to go to bed, and I just don't feel like sitting at the computer all night.



1. Expect them to pee in their own bathwater. And then drink it.


2. Expect this. All the freaking time:

3. Expect them to eat condiments as their meal. Why on earth would they want a burrito with their sour cream? (here is Ryker, after his meal of sour cream)

4. Expect to pick their boogers for them. You will not believe the things that kids can grow in their noses. You have to watch this little gem in its entirety. This is an old video of Ryker and his cousin Sophie. (I hope it works. The video was being a little tricky for me.)

5. Expect what I like to call the "poo finger". Seasoned parents know exactly what this is. This is when diaper checking goes awry. NEVER insert your finger into the back of a diaper to check it. That smell is really hard to wash off.



6. Expect a hunger strike. Expect several hunger strikes, actually. I used to worry that Ryker was going to die of starvation in his sleep.

7. Expect to never sleep in again.

People tease us about putting our kids to bed at 7:00. It's so I have enough time at night to cry alone in the shower.

Got a child who sleeps in? Here's what I have to say to you:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hR5YNqE3K8



8. Expect to be humiliated in public. Here's a little story: We go to Best Buy the other day to look at washers and dryers. Ryker is in a pull-up. The second we walk in the store, he looks at me and says "poo poo". I check his pants. Sure enough. They looked to be just little nuggets. Shakeable into the toilet. Sorry for the overshare. Did I mention I left the diaper bag in the car?  I take him quickly to the bathroom. The first thing he does is take off his shoes and proceed to walk all over the bathroom floor, which I'm sure is infected with staph. Next, he pulls down his own pants before I could help him. Which leads to major smearage. All over the legs. Did I mention I left the wipes in the car? I try to wipe him with toilet paper, but all parents know that toilet paper doesn't work on kids with poop smeared all over their legs. So I picked him up, and ran, RAN with him to the car, with his pants hanging off his butt so as not to get them even more dirty. Do you know what it's like to run through Best Buy with a kid that has brown smears all over his legs?



9. Expect very weird things to happen to your hair after you have a baby. You will pull out clumps of it in the shower, and then you will get weird, uncontrollable layers that suddenly appear.



10. Expect them to want to CONSTANTLY play in the water. Who cares if it's the middle of the winter? Why can't I turn the hose on and pour it over my body?

11. Expect manipulation! There's a reason your own children are so adorable.


12. Expect them to love. Children love unconditionally.

13. Expect the time to pass way too quickly...